Saturday, April 22, 2017

A message in the wind....

She closed her eyes and mentally wrote a letter to her younger self. It read,

'Dear little girl,

I stand back and watch your journey, I watch quietly from a distance cheering you on. There have been moments where I wish I could come running to you and hold your hand. There have been times where I wish I could have taken away all your pain or pushed you away from that big boulder heading your way.

But I could not, I had to stand back and watch and wait. Wait for you to get up after tumbling down hill as you list your way, walking through those thorny bushes, I had to stand back and watch you be fooled and cheated by those heartless gypsies that trampled all over your heart. I wept in silence as I watched you from a far as those shadows haunted you and I endured your pain as you built those walls you never thought you would ever want to break. I bit my lip as I wanted to scream out to you to tell you to be brave and run away from those tricksters! But I couldnt....

I wish I could tell you as I set here breathing the finest air and watching the waves hit the shore, I wish I could tell you as time goes by you will be here at this very spot taking a deep breath and wishing you could go back in time and tell that little girl the same thing Im telling you- fear not little girl! Fear not little angel because everything will make sense again. Dont be afraid when you forget you you really are. Do not be afraid when you sit in the darkness alone and you cant find your voice. Fear not when you break down those walls only to find out that you should have built it higher. Little girl, for your heart is pure be not ashamed of wearing your heart on your sleeve.  You will find your way.

The road is dark, the path isn't easy. You will stumble, you will fall. You will be bruised and in pain. But do not give up. But be aware little girl, there will be a point in your journey where you believe you have endured it all - that will be your only folly. For because of that folly you will endure pain far worse than your little heart needs to, you will want to end your journey well before you should. You will fear your own thoughts and every breath you take will be more painful than the previous breath you took. Little girl, I wish I could be there at that point because I know more than anything you will need a hand and someone to keep you safe. If I had one wish, it would be to be able to wait there at that place and take you through the pain and help you breath again . Your heart will break you will strip your self of every fibre you thought you were, your poor soul will ache.

Little girl, as the sound of the waves hitting the shore I pray the universe takes this message to you. You will be okay. Little girl your broken heart will mend, bit by bit you will fill each tiny crevice with a little more joy and a little more happiness. You will meet travelers along the way who will help you find your way. You will find your way back to the path you wanted to be on, little girl. Slowly as the days go by each breath will be fuller and easier. With every step you take, the warmth of the sun will envelop you and bring you back to who you need to be.

Little girl, as you sit on that rock waiting to be found and praying for someone to guide you, I hope you hear this message I send with the waves and with the sea. You will be here at this very spot watching the waves dance with the wind. You will feel the warmth of the sun kiss your skin and you will smile again...'

She then prayed the breeze would take this message where it had to be, turned around  dusted her feet and went on her journey to where she was supposed to be. 

Like a cancer.

Those thoughts, they're back again
Like a virus, like a cancerous being
Back to haunt me
Pulling me into the darkness
Pulling me in too deep

Those thoughts, they're back again
heavy and hard, like a boulder
Crushing my lungs
Pulling me into the darkness
Making it hard for me to even breathe

I cant keep doing this
I cant keep fighting it
I think I'me getting too weak

Those thoughts, they're back again
Without any warning,
Taking over, like the waves of the sea.

Those thoughts, they're back again.
Taking over, trying to drown me in my sleep.

Those thoughts, they're back again.

I wish I could vanish.

I wish I no longer had to be me.

[Written on 14/10/2014]