Final stages of grief

She was not strong enough to be true to herself
Afraid of what she may hear herself think
She screamed louder and louder
To drown out her instinct.

She screamed louder and louder
To hide the pain.
Life took her on a journey she was not ready for
A journey that altered her along every step of the way
The darkness caught up with her
Her mind gave in
To the world, she was lost
Close enough to be considered a life wasted

She sat in her fear, too afraid to breathe
Like quicksand, it engulfed her
It took over her soul.
Every bit of her froze.

Too afraid to think, to move, to feel
Frightened to trust anyone including her self.
She tried to drown out the noise
She tried to beat it out with a fist,
to distract her with the pain.

But the more she fought back
Like quicksand, it crept over her
Paralysing her, from the inside out.
Unaware of the journey fate had laid out for her
She cried, she screamed.

Her mind went numb, even praying felt foreign
To whom would she pray?
How could they help?
Questions seemed so tough to answer
The same questions seemed even harder to frame.

She lay in the darkness. Hoping it would all end.
Hoping that the sun wouldn’t come up the next day,
Hoping she could fade away
Hoping her eyes wouldn’t open again.


Her heart no longer feels
It just beats- no pain, no joy. Just empty numbness.
Her heart works like a machine.
It pumps....
That’s all it ever does.
It does not swell with joy, it does not hurt with pain, and it does not burst with ecstasy.
It pumps.
That’s the only thing that it will ever do.

Though she plays her part so beautifully,
That when people see through the cracks, they do not believe it can be real.
She did not know how to ask for help,
She had lost her voice along the way.

I recall watching her through the shadows,
I remember tears streaming down her face.
I wish I had broken through those chains
I wish I could have helped her along the way.
Not knowing who to turn to or where,
She let the shadows decide her fate.
She went through the motions; she put on her masks.

She lay in the darkness, hoping that day, like every other day in the past, would be her last.
Some strange forces were at work at one stage.
Some strange, inexplicable forces.
An invisible hand must have pulled her out of that quicksand
And even put one foot in front of the other for her.
It was all such a blur; she couldn’t see or hear or feel them,
But something happened, like a drug that numbed her body
She could see that things were moving, but could not think or feel, nor wonder how or why.
For her brain did what her heart was doing,
Giving up, fading away.


But worry not, kind friend!
You may have walked beside her at some stage; you may have shared the same path along your journey, you would not have seen the signs,
You could not have guessed that she was just an empty shell.
For she had a collection of masks, different colours and different kinds
Never the wrong one and never delayed.
So loud and so vibrant that it would distract even the keenest eye!
Oh, she knew how to play her part!
She did it with such grace.


Nothing seemed to move her anymore,
Nothing could ever be the same.
One foot in front of the other,
A few feet away from quicksand
Not far enough to feel safe.
She let the wind push her; she let the breeze control her fate.
Her heart and her brain had gone numb.
Everything seemed like a distant memory,
Nothing worth remembering, nothing worth reminding her
 Of all that darkness and the twisted pain.
She goes through the motions
The numbness has now comfortably taken his permanent spot. Like a cancer
Trying to take over every bit of her.
Like a power hungry tyrant, keeping her prisoner wrapped up in chains.

Too tired to fight it
Too tired to explain it
She accepts it, like an old friend
She accepts it as it steers her along the way.
There are days, like warm rays of sunshine
She tries to take a few steps without one of her trusty masks.
There are days, as a silver lining on a dark cloud,
She can feel her heart,
Like a warm hug from the inside out.


But too afraid to reach for more
Too scared to let herself feel
Too frightened of the memories of darkness
That move like quicksand.
She shuts herself off
Quicker than her brain can tell her to blink.


It does get easier,
She has asked me to let you know.

As long as the wind doesn't blow past her ear
whispering sweet nothings,
reminding her of a prettier day.

It does get easier to deal with,
She has managed to trick her good ol' friend,
that power hungry tyrant called numbness
to be kind to her some days.


But dear reader, she has asked me to pass on one message.
A simple one, at that.
Be gentle with your fellow travellers.
Remind them that you care.
For you never know who is struggling
You never know who that nasty power hungry tyrant
has under his wicked spell.


Share a moment with someone,
you once considered dear.
Just a small little something
to let them know you are near,
 and that they do have a choice,
it is not wrong to be what your heart desires,
it is not wrong to feel what you feel.

Do not let the world control you,
be not afraid of the darkness,
let it visit when it should
But do not feel afraid to send it on its way
Do not give in, don't ever let yourself fade away.
For its a long journey back to where you once were.

A message in the wind....

She closed her eyes and mentally wrote a letter to her younger self. It read,

'Dear little girl,

I stand back and watch your journey, I watch quietly from a distance cheering you on. There have been moments where I wish I could come running to you and hold your hand. There have been times where I wish I could have taken away all your pain or pushed you away from that big boulder heading your way.

But I could not, I had to stand back and watch and wait. Wait for you to get up after tumbling down hill as you list your way, walking through those thorny bushes, I had to stand back and watch you be fooled and cheated by those heartless gypsies that trampled all over your heart. I wept in silence as I watched you from a far as those shadows haunted you and I endured your pain as you built those walls you never thought you would ever want to break. I bit my lip as I wanted to scream out to you to tell you to be brave and run away from those tricksters! But I couldnt....

I wish I could tell you as I set here breathing the finest air and watching the waves hit the shore, I wish I could tell you as time goes by you will be here at this very spot taking a deep breath and wishing you could go back in time and tell that little girl the same thing Im telling you- fear not little girl! Fear not little angel because everything will make sense again. Dont be afraid when you forget you you really are. Do not be afraid when you sit in the darkness alone and you cant find your voice. Fear not when you break down those walls only to find out that you should have built it higher. Little girl, for your heart is pure be not ashamed of wearing your heart on your sleeve.  You will find your way.

The road is dark, the path isn't easy. You will stumble, you will fall. You will be bruised and in pain. But do not give up. But be aware little girl, there will be a point in your journey where you believe you have endured it all - that will be your only folly. For because of that folly you will endure pain far worse than your little heart needs to, you will want to end your journey well before you should. You will fear your own thoughts and every breath you take will be more painful than the previous breath you took. Little girl, I wish I could be there at that point because I know more than anything you will need a hand and someone to keep you safe. If I had one wish, it would be to be able to wait there at that place and take you through the pain and help you breath again . Your heart will break you will strip your self of every fibre you thought you were, your poor soul will ache.

Little girl, as the sound of the waves hitting the shore I pray the universe takes this message to you. You will be okay. Little girl your broken heart will mend, bit by bit you will fill each tiny crevice with a little more joy and a little more happiness. You will meet travelers along the way who will help you find your way. You will find your way back to the path you wanted to be on, little girl. Slowly as the days go by each breath will be fuller and easier. With every step you take, the warmth of the sun will envelop you and bring you back to who you need to be.

Little girl, as you sit on that rock waiting to be found and praying for someone to guide you, I hope you hear this message I send with the waves and with the sea. You will be here at this very spot watching the waves dance with the wind. You will feel the warmth of the sun kiss your skin and you will smile again...'

She then prayed the breeze would take this message where it had to be, turned around  dusted her feet and went on her journey to where she was supposed to be. 

Like a cancer.

Those thoughts, they're back again
Like a virus, like a cancerous being
Back to haunt me
Pulling me into the darkness
Pulling me in too deep

Those thoughts, they're back again
heavy and hard, like a boulder
Crushing my lungs
Pulling me into the darkness
Making it hard for me to even breathe

I cant keep doing this
I cant keep fighting it
I think I'me getting too weak

Those thoughts, they're back again
Without any warning,
Taking over, like the waves of the sea.

Those thoughts, they're back again.
Taking over, trying to drown me in my sleep.

Those thoughts, they're back again.

I wish I could vanish.

I wish I no longer had to be me.

[Written on 14/10/2014]

Asking for directions. (unedited)

How does one undo their mistakes?
How does one change?

 Is there no manual, No book , no guide?
 Is there nothing that can Help me make things right?
 They say ppl deserve a second chance

Why is it when I try something
a second time around
 I fall flat on my face?

 Some one up there has it in for me.
 Someone up there knows
 iv done wrong.
 If someone up there would
 only guide me,
I wouldn't be lost or so far from home.

 Is there no way
 I can make things right?
Is it too late to change?
Is there nothing that can be done,
 To make up for the mistakes iv made?
 Time is the enemy I've noticed.

 Time is a selfish onlooker
 Waiting to pull the rug from under you.
Wanting you to fall flat on your face.

 The choices I've made growing up
Have not been my finest so far.
I do not regret them,
just don't understand them.

I do not wish to change my past,
 I do not want what's done, undone.
 I only want a second chance.
 If what I hear is true,
Then I do believe
 I deserve a second chance too.

 does anyone out there have a manual, or a guide,
 Or a clue how to live.

 Is there nothing I can do to make things right??
 Is there no way for me to land on my feet?
 For my face can take
 no more assaults from the floor!

I breathe..

I waited for a lifetime

For someone, for anyone.

I waited to be found,

 i waited to be seen.

I waited for forever for someone

to set me free.

Bound by my fears,

The scars run too deep.

The memories to strong to fade away.

Only now does it strike me,

Only now do I see.

Its time to let go.

Its time I set myself free.

My glasses may be cracked,

But I can still see.

My heart may be broken,

But it still beats.

I'm not waiting any longer,

I'm not waiting 

For someone to come find me.

A new day has dawned.

I look to the sky,

I breathe.

I may not be perfect.

But I'm the best damn thing i can be.

One foot in front of the other.

One step at a time,

That's how I'm going to take it.

No more looking over my shoulder.

No more shadows surrounding me.

No more walls will be broken or built.

No more waiting to be found.

I'm going where the wind is going to take me.

I'm going to set myself free.

Only now does it strike me ,

Only now do I see.

Eventually the scars and the memories will fade away.

Eventually all I will need is me.

A new day has dawned.

I look to the sky.

I breathe.

To the one who screwed me up.

to you,

I'm trying to think of what i would to say to you
if we had to cross paths one day.

trying to put my thoughts into  a sentence.

trying to not want to break your face.
.

After you hid me behind the curtains,
 so no one could see

how you played with my brain and my heart
How you lied and played me.

Oh! and how i believed you?!

Such a fool i was!

to think that you loved me,

to think that you were my all.

to think that i could trust you.
to think that you would catch me
If i ever did fall.

but when i caught you red handed,
juggling with my heart.

all you had to say was,

"oh come on now sweet cherry,

im a man...this is what we do
If you looked any better I wouldn't have to do this to you"

You made me hate you.

You messed with my brain!!!

you made me believe that

I was the one to be blamed!

And how i believed you,

Such a fool i was!!

But now my darling ,

i just want to say thank you.

Thank you,

for ripping my heart out

and showing me things that i could never see.

Your theories on life.
All the bullshit you fed me.

you made me believe that was

how love was meant to be!

My darling , my beloved
Every time i tried to leave,
you begged, you pleaded
told me things would change,
you told me you really did like me!
Like me!!!!
Oh! how i believed you.
Such a fool i was.


You know not how long it has taken me to try to move on.
I will not lie to you,
I still think about you ever so often.
there are moments when i just want to see your face.
To tell you all the things I was too afraid to.
To tell you that your such a disgrace.

But my darling,my beloved,
Thank you for making me feel worthless,
For telling me that you were the best i would get.

My sweetness,
You once told me that we were together
Not because you thought i was beautiful,
Not because i was pretty,
Not because you fel in love with me,
But because you felt sorry for me.

And for that my love,
I thank you with all my heart.

It took me forever to be able to breathe again,
It took me forever to start sleeping properly again,
It took me forever, but it's taken me far away
from all the bull shit you fed me
from all the games you played.

My darling, My beloved.
I did want to  see you die,
I did want to see you vanish.

But now my sweet, my darling,
I only want to see you in pain.

I want to see you struggle,
I want to see you suffer,
I want to see you in pain.

I wanted you to feel the way you made me feel.
I wanted you to feel broken beyond repair.


[Written on 2/10/2012]

Thoughts-scrambeled and messy.

I wished upon a shooting star
A long long time ago
I wish upon a shooting star
I wished that you wouldn't go..
I wished so hard..and prayed and prayed
that you would stay with me
By my side....

You were my strength...i gave you my soul
You wer my world...

Yet somewhere along the way...I stumbled...
Yet somewhere along the way...I was stupid
And now...you are gone..

(so much for wishing upon a star...)

But that was a long long time ago..
Back then..I was a child..there was a lot I dint not know.

Years have passed..and alot has changed.
A hundred tears or more I'v shed...
Mistakes Iv made over and over again.

I saw you one day as I hid behind the tree..
I saw you with her...you seemed as happy as can be.
and I know this isnt right..
But I have just one question to ask you.

Over the many years...
Have you ever once thought of me?
Have you ever cried into your pillow
wishing that you could just talk to me?
Have you looked around the corner
wishing you could see me?

I know its wrong, this question I ask you.
but i'm deeply sorry..
because I haven't forgotten you.
I try and I try...quite often it works.
There you go again...creeping back into my brain.

You were my strength...I gave you my soul
You were my world...

But now time has passed...
And I must move on..
It hasn't been easy
Not one bit..not even for a second...
...not once, not at all.


But honestly,
I'm truly happy for you..
(even though my heart is broken beyond repair..)
I'm happy for you..and glad that you have someone who loves you and cares.
I wish you good luck
from now till the end.
And i hope she knows how lucky she is..
To have you in her life..
with so much love that you share.


And I hope some day that I may also find..
that warmth,
that safety,
that love .

But for now, I work
on mending my broken  heart
For now, I work.
I need a fresh start.

For now,
All I can do is hope..


[written on 21/04/2011]

Stages: Denial,Confusion and Anger

ever feel like there is this one memory
that you wish to erase?
wish to forget?
 Wished that never happened?

 Yet at the same time
dont ever want to forget it?
 you dont ever want to forget it,
that you keep replaying the memories
every time they begin to get hazy?

 Have you ever loved someone
 so much that you wished you didn't??
Because never loving them
would hurt a lot lesser
than still being in love with them
long after they have gone?

Where do you go from there?
How do you pick up the pieces
 of your broken heart, and fix it?..

 Still.. you don't want to fix it entirely,
because you know fixing it
 would mean erasing the memories.

 As much as I wish to believe I've moved on,
 It's harder than you could ever imagine.
 It hurts not to think about you,
It hurts even more to think about you. 


To that person,I write this:

 Part of me wants to hear your voice again, part of me wants to just get back to the way things were- the pain, the trickery, the shame.

But a part of me  also wishes you were dead.


[Written on 2/20/2011]

Decisions...

I let myself fall,

because you said you would teach me to fly.

I let myself fall,

Because you promised to be by my side.

But that was a long time ago.

You let me fall,flat on my face.

You let me fall,

and you left without a trace!

I picked my self up,

got brused along the way..

tired and lonely..

i decided not to wait.

And when i turn to walk away..

you come back asking me to stay?!

I just want you to know.

what i felt for you before,

was true, was real.

You said you've changed.

You said this time you'd stay.

But im sorry..

I'v decided to go my way.

[Written on 7/11/2010]

confusion.

Why is it so hard to let you go?
why cant i say good bye?
why do i want to wait...
hoping...
just giving it one more shot..
hoping...
for a miracle.

You say u'v changed..
and i know you think you hav..
but your still the same..
may be worse.

all i want to do is fall in love with you.
all i want is to know you'l b ther for me.
All i want is you.

but the more i want us to last..
the more i realise you were never mine to start with.
you promised me the world.
you said you'd b with me forever
you said you'd b there.
You said alot of things.

When you told me you liked me...
you made me a promise.
a promise i was hoping you would keep.
but as time went on
i realised it could never happen.

why is it so hard for me to say good bye
when i know that that is all thers left to say?
Why do i keep waiting ?
hoping youd wake up one morning
and look at me like im all you will ever need?

All i want is for you to want me
the same way i want you.
All i want is you.

Each time i tell you this
you deny it and say im stupid.
If this was untrue..
why do i feel this way?
why do i feel
that im just in your way?

You told me you dont want to fall in love.
You told me it was just a waste of time.
you told me that you would find someone else.

But evry time i try to move away
you pull me back.
you tell me to stay.

I am confused.
I am afraid.
For i am falling in way to deep.
and i know not if you feel the same for me.

if this is not what you want.
tell me,
before i lose my mind.
Tell me, before its too late.

All i want is to fall in love.
All i want is for you to want me the same way i want you.
All i want is for you to look at me and see the only person you want to be with.
All i want is for you
to want me.

a letter to a "friend"

Dear Mr.Constructor,

I do not know whether you remember me,
It was a long time ago.
I was that little girl you helped cross that road.

Dear Mr.Constructor,you told me we were friends;
I do not know whether you remember me,
It was a long time ago.
You were that little boy who helped me cross that road.

Mr.Constructor, kind sir
I do not mean to take up your time,
But I need a favor to ask of you;
A small favor in fact!

You were my friend
When I was a little girl.

You were my friend

You were my world.

But now you are gone....
well long gone in fact!
For I am no longer that little girl
Who needed to cross that road.

Now, for that favor I need to ask of you:

Kind sir, When I was little..
left lonely and afraid,
You helped me stay grounded..
You helped me not to go astray.
And for that , Mr.Constructor
I thank you with all my heart!

You brought me out
Of my little world,
Where my life was just a dream.

But, Mr.Constructor, kind sir
I think I was much happier that way!

You helped me take down
Those walls I held up so long.
But my friend Mr.Constructor
You taught me how
to build walls stronger than my own.

These walls kind sir,
Should not have been built!

I made a friend one day...
someone who was passing by.
I wanted to get out,
But you weren't there.
I wanted to get out,
But you didn't stay.

My friend passing by..
heard me cry.
Mr.Constructor kind sir,
He spoke to me
And told me not to be afraid.
That little boy is no longer little..
That little boy,
is the only one that stayed.

Mr.Constructor, dear sir,
That boy sits on the
other side of that wall,
That you built so strong!

He's waited and waited..
But I am so afraid...
He would only wait
so long.

So Mr.constructor, dear sir,
The favor I ask of you is this:
Please show me your secret
weapon,
That you used to take
down those walls.
For I would like them brought down
Right down to the ground.
For my friend will help me be strong.....
without your stupid wall.

untitled-2

Could you lend me your hand?
Could I lean on your shoulder?
Could I trust you enough
To help me cross this boulder?

Standing in the middle of nowhere
Hoping that no one would see me
Stripped of my disguise..
that which I've gotten oh-so comfortable in...

I've forgotten who I really am
With everyone around me
Still unaware of my secret
buried so deep inside of me.

Tired of keeping it all in
Tired of hiding behind that curtain.
Tired of wishing I could just vanish..
Of seeing no point in my existence.

Is there any way
I could just not feel the way I feel?
This black empty void...

Could you lend me your light?
Could you help me find my way out of this dark cave...

Untitled.

Stranded in a crowded place,
Looking for someone to guide me
Afraid I'm losing grip
Need help...but cant seem to find it.

Would somebody hold my hand,
Take me to a safer place.
No one wants to help me
I scream my lungs out
No one seems to care.

Is it just me?
Or is the world getting colder?
Life is not the way it seems
I realise as I'm getting older.
Dreams remain dreams.
My fears are getting stronger.

Wake up!!... somebody..
Right now all I need is a shoulder.
Could you be my friend?
Because,
I cant seem to take this any longer!

I'm looking for a face that seems familiar.
But as i get closer,
All I see are shadows..
Shadows from the past,
Shadows of the present,
Shadows of the future.

This isn't the way its supposed to be,
This isn't the life i had in mind for me.
If this is a dream..
Could somebody wake me?
Because nothings going right
Everything's a mess..
And I'm tired of being alone.

Wake up!!....somebody!
I need a hand..
I need a shoulder...
I need somebody to help me cross this boulder.

I close my eyes
And I wish really hard..
Because I don't want any of this in my future..

...All I want is for this nightmare to be over.

The story of the runaway

She thought they were special
She thought they were different.
She thought they were happy,
She thought they were inseparable.
Yet she was deceived by what she thought.

Behind closed doors
Was another side to her life.
The side she never knew off;
Once the veils were lifted
She saw the light.

Torn apart by secrets,
By anger, by jealousy.
Her heart melted,
Sadness took over.

Ashamed by what she believed
Afraid she would be like them.
Her fight for survival
Her longing for freedom
Began that moment.

She never thought it was possible
At least not to her.
The act they put up
When anyone was near
Was almost unbelievable..
Could pass of to be real!

Yet,as she watched the show
As she played the role;
She wanted to scream.
She wanted to flee!

Her heart screamed run
But her feet said no.
She didn't know what to do,
She had no place to go.

Torn apart by secrets
All covered by lies
she watched them go by
As if everything was all right.

Her heart ached for comfort
Her knees unsteady
Her eyes filled with tears
As she tries to look around,
For some one she knows
For someone who cares.

"Why did this happen?
This must not be!
Cant they hear me?
Cant they see
The same way i see?
the same pain i feel?"

Alone and lonely
She tries not to think
About how they deceived her,
Or about how she felt.

She prays that shes dreaming
But gets knocked between the eyes
To remind her of reality
To tell her to run.

Pied piper

The young ones are calling
They long for you to play.
Come Pied piper,
Come take them away.
Yet be kind Mr.piper,
Their minds are like clay.
Please mould them right;
They break, if you do it the wrong way.

There are some that don't know you.
There are some that don't care.
Pied piper,Pied piper-
Don't let them go astray.

I did not know you were there
I had no clue where.
Pied piper, Pied piper
I was asleep when you played.

You came that one day;
You played and you played.
But Pied piper, dear sir
You left one child that day.

I ran and I ran
Tried to follow your tune.
I ran and I ran
But you never knew.

Pied piper dear sir,
I tried to find my way,
I longed to be among them
I longed to feel the same.

I waited for years
For you to take me away.
But Mr.Piper, kind sir
You never came back again.

Those children have come back
Moulded the right way.
Their moulds,though similar
Are brittle and strong.

Pied piper,pied piper
I molded mine,my way.
My mold is different,
Its taking too long;
I don't know the right temperature,
I know not the right song.

Pied piper, pied piper
I blame you not, for this.
Yet Pied piper,
I have just one wish.

It gets lonely and dark
It gets scary i must say!

Pied piper,pied piper
Please play me a tune,
A simple one would do.
Just to tell me you're there
To tell me you care.
Pied piper, pied piper
Please don't turn on me ...
Again.

The silent heart

She longs to be alive,
She longs to be free,
Her heart...empty.
Her soul longing for life.

She sits at her window,
Watching the world pass by.
Watching children play,
Young ones in love.
Her heart longing to be among them,
Her heart longing to be alive.

As her soul remains tortured,
Empty and lonely.
She longs to be in love,
She longs to run free;
She longs for the excitement
even to climb a tree!

Yet she knows
Her wishes remain unfulfilled.
She knows her time has come.
She will meet with her maker,
She shall rise up to the sun.

A poet on a motorcycle

As he travels around the world,
Destined to find himself.
He rides across lands
From dusk to dawn;
His heart fills with sadness
For he longs for his true love,his fair maden.
Her love he has not conquered;
Her love saved for another.
As he rides through deserts
Across lands and seas;
A small poem he writes for thee:

'My love, my love. I long to
Touch your soft skin.
I long to see the moonlight
Shining upon your lovely face.

If you would say the word my dear,
Just one little word;
I'd travel the seas,climb mountains,
Walk across the sandy deserts
Just to be beside you.

I'd sit beside you for hours
Just so you can rest your
Gentle head upon my shoulder.

My love, sweet love
I long to feel your lips,
Your soft tender lips;
I long for that one kiss.'

He sat in the shadows,with his eyes shut tight. Imagining she was beside him holding him through the night.
His love for her, for his fair maden was all that he had. Was all that kept him going through out the night.But when he reached the end of his journey he saw his fair maden, his heart filled with glee. He knew he could not have her, he knew she was betrothed..yet he saw his fair maden...her smile was all he wanted to see.