Final stages of grief

She was not strong enough to be true to herself
Afraid of what she may hear herself think
She screamed louder and louder
To drown out her instinct.

She screamed louder and louder
To hide the pain.
Life took her on a journey she was not ready for
A journey that altered her along every step of the way
The darkness caught up with her
Her mind gave in
To the world, she was lost
Close enough to be considered a life wasted

She sat in her fear, too afraid to breathe
Like quicksand, it engulfed her
It took over her soul.
Every bit of her froze.

Too afraid to think, to move, to feel
Frightened to trust anyone including her self.
She tried to drown out the noise
She tried to beat it out with a fist,
to distract her with the pain.

But the more she fought back
Like quicksand, it crept over her
Paralysing her, from the inside out.
Unaware of the journey fate had laid out for her
She cried, she screamed.

Her mind went numb, even praying felt foreign
To whom would she pray?
How could they help?
Questions seemed so tough to answer
The same questions seemed even harder to frame.

She lay in the darkness. Hoping it would all end.
Hoping that the sun wouldn’t come up the next day,
Hoping she could fade away
Hoping her eyes wouldn’t open again.


Her heart no longer feels
It just beats- no pain, no joy. Just empty numbness.
Her heart works like a machine.
It pumps....
That’s all it ever does.
It does not swell with joy, it does not hurt with pain, and it does not burst with ecstasy.
It pumps.
That’s the only thing that it will ever do.

Though she plays her part so beautifully,
That when people see through the cracks, they do not believe it can be real.
She did not know how to ask for help,
She had lost her voice along the way.

I recall watching her through the shadows,
I remember tears streaming down her face.
I wish I had broken through those chains
I wish I could have helped her along the way.
Not knowing who to turn to or where,
She let the shadows decide her fate.
She went through the motions; she put on her masks.

She lay in the darkness, hoping that day, like every other day in the past, would be her last.
Some strange forces were at work at one stage.
Some strange, inexplicable forces.
An invisible hand must have pulled her out of that quicksand
And even put one foot in front of the other for her.
It was all such a blur; she couldn’t see or hear or feel them,
But something happened, like a drug that numbed her body
She could see that things were moving, but could not think or feel, nor wonder how or why.
For her brain did what her heart was doing,
Giving up, fading away.


But worry not, kind friend!
You may have walked beside her at some stage; you may have shared the same path along your journey, you would not have seen the signs,
You could not have guessed that she was just an empty shell.
For she had a collection of masks, different colours and different kinds
Never the wrong one and never delayed.
So loud and so vibrant that it would distract even the keenest eye!
Oh, she knew how to play her part!
She did it with such grace.


Nothing seemed to move her anymore,
Nothing could ever be the same.
One foot in front of the other,
A few feet away from quicksand
Not far enough to feel safe.
She let the wind push her; she let the breeze control her fate.
Her heart and her brain had gone numb.
Everything seemed like a distant memory,
Nothing worth remembering, nothing worth reminding her
 Of all that darkness and the twisted pain.
She goes through the motions
The numbness has now comfortably taken his permanent spot. Like a cancer
Trying to take over every bit of her.
Like a power hungry tyrant, keeping her prisoner wrapped up in chains.

Too tired to fight it
Too tired to explain it
She accepts it, like an old friend
She accepts it as it steers her along the way.
There are days, like warm rays of sunshine
She tries to take a few steps without one of her trusty masks.
There are days, as a silver lining on a dark cloud,
She can feel her heart,
Like a warm hug from the inside out.


But too afraid to reach for more
Too scared to let herself feel
Too frightened of the memories of darkness
That move like quicksand.
She shuts herself off
Quicker than her brain can tell her to blink.


It does get easier,
She has asked me to let you know.

As long as the wind doesn't blow past her ear
whispering sweet nothings,
reminding her of a prettier day.

It does get easier to deal with,
She has managed to trick her good ol' friend,
that power hungry tyrant called numbness
to be kind to her some days.


But dear reader, she has asked me to pass on one message.
A simple one, at that.
Be gentle with your fellow travellers.
Remind them that you care.
For you never know who is struggling
You never know who that nasty power hungry tyrant
has under his wicked spell.


Share a moment with someone,
you once considered dear.
Just a small little something
to let them know you are near,
 and that they do have a choice,
it is not wrong to be what your heart desires,
it is not wrong to feel what you feel.

Do not let the world control you,
be not afraid of the darkness,
let it visit when it should
But do not feel afraid to send it on its way
Do not give in, don't ever let yourself fade away.
For its a long journey back to where you once were.